True Colors

 At one of Hunter's Varsity Basketball games recently I found myself in the middle of a situation that I didn't think I ever would.  The opposing team (which I will not be naming- they don't deserve to be mentioned in my history), their coaches, and their fans displayed the poorest sportsmanship I have ever witnessed.  It was a close game and tensions were high- I get it.  I was there after all.  (Even now, as I type this, and over a week later, my adrenaline is pumping and I'm getting worked up about the whole thing!) But the things they yelled, their actions, their overall behavior shocked me! I could not believe that actual adults would behave the way they were.  But then it all made sense as to why their players acted that way- because we know that  "attitude reflects leadership" (Remember the Titans).  And I was in the middle of it all- along with my kids and Hunter students- which displayed such class and held to a higher standard in the midst of all this.  I could not be prouder of the Wolverine family- nor prouder to be part of it! I could not believe that a team, that just weeks before showed us such respect and condolences would behave this way! (This is after the shooting by Hunter in which 2 students died and one is still battling the effects of being shot.)  It just showed me what I have always believed about this team in my heart- they are not kind, they have big heads, and only focus on winning.  Even though throughout the last 2 years, I have tried to convince myself that the whole team isn't like that, and there are some good people there.  But after our second game it became clear- their display at our first game was just for show and didn't mean a thing to any of them. I lost all respect for their school and community. 

Because their behavior was so poor, a lot of our parents emailed not only their principal, but the district athletic specialist,  the superintendent, and others.  I emailed our principal with some suggestions as to how to avoid something similar next year (like having a designated spot for their fans to sit so they aren't next to our students.)  One of my suggestions was to have a representative from the district or the UHSAA at all of their games because their behavior is probably similar at other locations.  When I was telling another mom this, I said "because you never know when their true colors will come out."  And this got me thinking:  what are my true colors? 

Am I hot-headed? Am I just a bystander hoping others will do what is hard and stand up for what is right? Am I somewhere in between?  Do people look at me and think: she's always kind? Or don't sit by her- she's a complainer? Do they know I don't mean to offend if accidently do? And know they can let me know if I did offend? Do they know I'm always up for a discussion- even if it's hard?  Am I approachable enough they are comfortable to ask me for help?  Or just to visit- am I good company? Am I too brutally honest- or do they know they can trust my judgement, but I will stick to my beliefs and my true self?  I'll admit, I've gotten into it with other parents, and I've yelled at refs- sometimes that's my first reaction (never to the extent that this team took it to).  Sometimes, like at this game,  I am so in shock that I don't really have a reaction. (Which I can regret later- like I wish I would have gotten my phone out and taken video of some of this behavior.)  I am good about not responding to stuff on social media right away.  I give it time to see if I feel the same way when not in the heat of the moment.  And give myself some time to formulate how I want to say what's on my mind.  But I definitely need to be better about that when I find myself in situations like this in person.  I need to find out how I want to represent myself, and be able to have that be my first reaction.  Because at times we don't have time to give it a few hours, or a day,  we need to respond right then and there.  I'm working on it.  I'm starting with my thoughts- focusing on what my first thought is- Is it kind? Helpful? And then either responding, or changing my thought and then responding.  I want to be the person that people are happy to see somewhere- because they know I care and am kind.  But I also want to be the person they know will stick to her guns- and be Momma Bear when needed.  I believe I can be both.  And I'm going to work on that being how I represent myself to the world.  Here I come!

Birthdays- the good and the bad

Today is my birthday.  I'm 38.  I've had a love/hate relationship with my birthday for the past few years.  

In 2020- the infamous year felt around the world- my birthday was spent at the funeral of my father in law.  Yep, you read that right.  He passed away on Feb 3rd and his funeral fell on my birthday.  It had to be that way because we drove to Spring City after the funeral to lay him to rest by his parents, in his childhood hometown.  And any other day just wouldn't have worked well.  My family threw me a pizza party after we got back from Spring City, and tried to make it special.  I will always remember that and be forever grateful for them.  The true act of love from that day was when my mother in law came for a few minutes- as hard as that day was for her, she took a few minutes away to be at my birthday party.  I struck gold when I married into this family!  I was okay pretending it wasn't my birthday, and that I would celebrate later.  But until you've been the spouse of someone that just lost a parent, you don't realize that the energy to celebrate doesn't come for a while.  We never really celebrated (but I did get a great gift from Chad- my car detailed!).  

Last year, the realization that 40 is around the corner threw me for a loop.  It's not that I am afraid of 40, or that I feel like life is over as I know it.  My fear is that I have not done enough in these first 40 years of my life.  Have I taught my children enough to get them through the tough times?  Do we have a good enough relationship that they will come to me when those hard times come? Have a I lived out any of my dreams? What are my dreams? Do I have dreams to still reach for?  The biggest question became: What have I learned?  So I started writing down things I have learned in this life.  My goal is to have 40 of them by my 40th birthday.  Luckily I have a couple more years to get that finished. 

This year, I am grateful to be here.  I have been having some medical issues, and last month went through the process of trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it.  I ended up needing a biopsy.  Waiting for a call to see if you have cancer is the worst ever!  My mind went through all the things that could happen, and what I would do in different scenarios.  It was torture!  So when the call came in that all was clear, I didn't even care what the problem was at that point- it wasn't cancer!  We are still trying to figure things out, but I know I can handle whatever it is.  So as I sit here in one of my favorite places, Gulf Shores- Alabama, listening to gulf waves crash against the best sand I have ever felt under my feet, I am just happy to have another birthday. 

Between the sorrow, the love, the fear, and the joy of birthdays- they can each teach us something.  Maybe about ourselves, maybe about someone else.  But just sit and listen for a moment on your next birthday and see what life needs you to hear.  Happy Birthday!

New Beginnings

 I decided not long ago, to remember how to long into this blog and think about starting up again.  Once I was 'in' I read through all my blogs and was so proud of myself for documenting the little things.  The things that I have since forgotten about, but somehow have cherished all along.  I'm happy to have this record and hope to keep up on it and have more records of small, but great things. I also started looking at my friends' blogs.  I find it interesting that we all stopped blogging within about a year or two of each other.  Why?  Was it because Facebook took over- and is a quicker way to post than a blog?  Did we all just get bored? Busy?  I'm not sure exactly what happened to me.  I'm going to guess that having 3 little boys at home had something to do with it.  All the same, I was a quitter.  But since I'm trying to get back at it, does that make me not a quitter but a procrastinator?  Either way, I'm back.  I have been craving some creative outlet and haven't been able to find it.  I have thought about writing- I liked it in school- I think I was good at it- and figured this would be good practice and maybe lead to something bigger.  If nothing else maybe it will help clear my head so I can focus on other important things more easily.  Here's to new beginnings!